And time marches on...

Another week down...another thousand or so to go.

This last week has been.

Maintaining life when life keeps pushing, when you want to stand still for a moment is very stressful.

Being retrospective when strong emotions are involved is hard, especially when people are so very hurt.

Transition: Sharing my life to Single again.

Back to the drawing board.

Life keeps going. I guess I should move forward.

It's great to have friends to read nonsense and make you feel like it actually means something at all. Also to give you enough crap to make you realize that standing still doesn't make any sense, even if you could. Life is so much better with change and nuances.

It's been a while...

A lot has seemed to happen, but last mental inventory I had, I was a week older, shorter a girlfriend, questioning people's general ability to use rational over irrational thought, and trying to get back where I was again.

Intelligence has it's drawbacks. People become scared of your ability to manipulate thoughts and ideas, things they thought were absolute facts. Worlds change in mere fractions of seconds with oceans of information at your fingertips. Or so a lot of us would like to think so.

Recent uproars: Over cartoons? Gimme a break.

In responding to Chris' recent blogs tonight, I've come to think about concepts and people in different ways, but absent this shared knowledge and ability to open my own mind as well as others, shunning out all light for fear of color, I honestly cannot understand. This is truly what I've come to think of the "Old World" as. I so wish for a second renaissance, something to take the people's mind off of anger and war. I'm a peace-nik yes, but I'm not gonna try to force everybody to hold hands, apologize and get along. Just something to interrupt everybody from thinking that we are the only ones trying to figure it all out.

This would be a great time to come out and say that we've encountered aliens. We've talked to them, and they may not love us, but they like us enough to talk back. Anything to make us realize how puny and idiotic our silly little wars and issues are. Not everyone can be happy, but at least do something to keep their mind busy enough to keep them from shouting obscenities at their neighbors.

I challenge you all to do one thing today, oh hell, everyday...and that is:

The next time that you see someone and think about something negative for whatever reason, force yourself to think of two things positive about what made you think about the negativity of the person in question. Just realize that everyone has their own shoes to fit into, however they fit, put them on, or wear them. Celebrate their differences, as well as your own. Be confident, but not brash. Happy, but not egotist. Caring, but not psycho. OK? GOT IT? LIVE ON!

my own personal madness or the things i did last summer

this is MY first post as a bloger. I must then thank my friend Drew for alowing me this space.
thank you Drew

i have thought long and hard about what it would be that i would post. But at last i didnt want to frighten the people with whom i work. ( they will most likly be the only ones to see this ...) so i gess ill start with a pome that I first started 10+ years ago. i was at a wierd place mentaly i think i was thinking what would make a persone go insain and at what point in time and space at what instance to you go frome being sain to being insain. that im am sure is what this is all about. or im just fucking nutzO eather way i hope you like it.

now pay attion there is some background.
its a story about a eveyday guy that happens to see the most beautyfull woman he has ever come across wile walking down a street in some city far away or maby near to you as you read this now. he follows her around until he can nolonger stand it so he then introduces himself to her and say's all the things she has heard a thousand times befor. her reply to him is this.

you say you love.
me you say you'd die for me.
you say you'll move the heavnes and stars.
but will you kill for me?
will you lay youe soul on the alter of hell to be with me?
for all these things and more you will have to do just to kiss me.


so we now find our " hero " doing just that
i call him the laughing man

Twisted metal
Broken dreams
I’m a little sicker than I seem
Lights go out
And the screaming begins
Tortures playhouse is on fire. . . I’m the laughing man
Have little soul for pleasure
Got a talent for pain
My Laughter’s a corkscrew spinning piercing your brain
Life’s a sick lullaby but it puts me to sleep
My minds a rusting clockwork counting slaughtered sheep

Blacker then black it’s a pain cloud spinning.
Anti salvation of virtue I’m the only one winning
A howling madness is watching a split-tooth grin, insanity waiting, the beatings began
Cause pain got’s no meaning when the mind won’t let it in
Teach you the power of emptiness and the pleasure of sin
Lights come on and the river runs red
No prayer for the dying can’t salvage the dead.
I shift through your thoughts, no use for your dreams
Tortures playhouse is on fire, the laughing man screams
A little tweak of the mind and a spin on your thoughts
A suggestion implanted your soul's just been bought.
A reality shattered and your beliefs overthrown
And the laughing man whispers my souls not my own.


and time goes by

The madman is laughing again
I had thought I put him to sleep
I’ve been to busy to notice that there are no more sheep
I hope he doesn’t do the things that I seen him to do before
They say I’m getting better but I’m not sure any more
cus that little fuck wont quit talking every time I pick up the phone
Those words I’ve heard before "my soul is not my own "

I can almost hear him creeping then peek around the door
I can almost see the shadows of the bloodstains on the floor
I can just hear the ticking of that clockwork once again
Tortures playhouse is on fire and I am the Laughing man

And the lullaby keeps spinning raging in my ears
Showing me all your secrets, telling me all your fears
Giving to me that one thing that I’m sure will make you scream
The look on your face when you realize that this is not a dream

in the end our hero could not unbecome what he created himself in to being or maby he just becam more fully innto what he was always ment to be

Time just ticks on by and the torture never ends.
To you I can not lie, these corpses are all my friends.
They giggle in their sleep. But their jokes I can not hear.
It’s not that I don’t want to but I’m still too alive I fear

But I’ve got a plan to get it back
I’ve got a spell to call it home
Never will I cry again "My soul is not my own"

It’s just one more scream that my ears will never hear
Just one last glimpse of the thing I call your fears
Just one more cut and I’ll bleed it all away

No matter how hard I try the Laughing Man is here

Life in the Fast Lane...

Surely make you lose your mind....

I remember that Eagles song lyric, and it just keeps reminding me of the pace of my life currently...I keep reminding myself it's by my own choice, but still the insanity of it all is hard to deal with. When I get out of school and get a 'real' job, I sure hope that it slows down enough so that I can enjoy life a bit more often. Four and a half months of this insanity left, and there is definitely no sign of let-up before June 25th. In fact, there are signs that it's gonna get quite a bit more bumpy. 5 classes this semester, I need to take classes, or at least short courses on at least two certifications, not to mention the actual tests scheduled in between work, school, a semi-dysfunctional social life, and my lovely (and hopefully) understanding girlfriend, Erinn. Not to mention the cost of said classes and tests. Hold on folks, it's gonna get interesting here in the next 4 months, starting March 6th.

Sidenote: The strange part about it all, is that I have to decide if I even want to have a graduation ceremony, and I can even choose where it would be. The problem with this is that I'm not sure after all this racing towards an ill-defined finish line is worthy of my going through the tacky pomp and circumstance ceremony, even if it is supposed to be the crowning achievement of my time and frustration spent through the (at that point) last year. Part of me thinks it'd be another chore, and part of me thinks it'd be something to set off the celebration by.

Oh yeah, you better bet your bottom dollar there is going to be a huge freakin party somewhere near that place in time. Everybody is invited, and dammit everyone's gonna have a good time, I dont care if you're unhappy, just dance around and look like you're having fun cuz I'll be pissed your poopin on my freakin party.